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| I've noticed that on many people's "about me's" or any sort of self description sections, or surveys- many write that they live with no regrets. Which I find exceptionally amusing. Because in my opinion, what they mean can be summed up into two categories: 1. I don't care if I totally screw up my life, just as long as I have 'fun' right now. or 2. My life isn't too bad, but i've made some dumb choices and i'd rather not spend my life dwelling on them, so let's just get on with things. Obviously I am making a lot of assumptions and shoving many people's opinions into two small categories, but I think they illustrate my general point. Some people don't have regrets because they don't have a clear idea of what things go in that category. Maybe once they realize that adult life doesn't (or can't really) consist of partying and getting shit-faced all the time, they'll understand what can be regretted. And then those other not-so-bad people are just trying to make the world think they either do no wrong, or now they've changed in a way to make it seem like they've had some major revelation in their lives and now everything's peachy.
Personally I think that without regret you can't learn from mistakes, and without improving your life you're basically just stuck in a whole and not really living. So I find it's really amusing when people use the statement "if you regret things you can't really live" because to the contrary, i think that without regret you can't really live.
So call me cliche, or close-minded, but I think that people are always changing their minds and views on things. Why, you ask? Because of their experiences in life. I'm sure when you were young you had the fun times of learning right and wrong. For example, can I touch a hot stove? [in my case it was the end of an extremely hot curling iron, which I grasped firmly in my hand when I was about three, resulting in two-degree burns over my entire palm. all the skin peeled off within the next hour and I didn't go near a curling iron until I was about ten] no, that would be a bad idea. So when you did you were like ouch, let's not do that again. And even if you did, I think by the third or fourth time of blistering your hands you'd realize that it's a bad idea. Why? Because you're learning from experience, aka regretting the fact that you touched a hot stove [or curling iron].
So I conclude my point with, you can't really live and grow without experiences, or without regretting all the dumb shit you get yourself into sometimes.
The end.
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| School has started, summer is gone, and I have no idea what i'm doing with my life. Cool huh? Recently i've been feel pretty despondent (out of touch...what song is that?---when it goes down by something corporate, if you were curious...i was) and indifferent towards the whole youth group scene. And the whole i'm a Christian part of my life. Which seems like it should make no sense at all because that was like the only thing I was about this summer. It's pretty ridiculous actually. It's not like my life has totally become absorbed with something else, school work (haven't gotten too much yet...key word being yet), friends (i'm not social enough and I have no means to get anywhere), boyfriend (uhm, yeah right. funny amanda....), and so on. So this whole phase of nothingness and lack of motivation has literally appeared out of nowhere.
Junior year has started off pretty well. I know people in all of my classes except for commercial art. But in that class everyone hates it so i've found people to console with about the suckiness of the class and to discuss why it is just so sucky. So that's nice, huh? And Laura and I are going to attempt to join a club or two so I might actually get accepted into college at some point in my life. And there's the whole I-should-pay-attention-in-class thing too. But yeah, not much is too insanely new and out of the ordinary. Oh and i'm trying to be healthy....except for the fact the my dinner consisted of an iced caramel latte and a jelly donut....but you didn't hear it from me. Yup, as i'd say in French class...."toujours a la meme chose" (plus some crazy accent marks and what-not), same old thing.
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| Tomorrow at about 6am i will be waking up for my first day of school. Junior year. I'm not sure yet if the reaction to that should be a cheer, sigh, gasp. Right now i'm feeling quite indifferent towards the whole "back to school" ordeal. Yesterday I went to the mall to get a few new pairs of jeans that I claimed were for start of a new year of high school. But in reality they were just for me. Because my old jeans are too short or for lack of a better description, in shitty condition.
Today I made an 'attempt' to work more on the summer math practice packet that I was supposed to do, which I don't have half done yet. So I guess in all, i'm leaning more towards not wanting to go to school tomorrow. Yeah.
So long sweet summer
I fell into you now you're graceful l y f a l l i n g a w a y
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| There are so many ways that I could describe this summer. I can't think of any other way I would have spent it other than serving at delanco camp (unless of course I had been there all summer-haha). I must say that now that i'm spending time reflecting on what i've done the past few months I am really proud of myself but at the same time humbled and sort of put in my place in a way. I'll explain.
I began the summer during staff training week at delanco, a week where we all got introduced to our co-workers, and the types of jobs we'd be doing throughout the summer. It was also a great time of fellowship together where we could grow closer to each other and to God. I have to admit that before this summer began I did not think that I was completely fit for my job, both physically and spiritually. But i've learned that in any job, or atmosphere of serving, that people come together to complete something. Just like how our bodies wouldn't function without each individual part making up the whole. So an important lesson that God taught me straight from the beginning of the summer is that we all had to work together as servants, as a team, and then as a family.
So during staff week my fears of not fitting in, or not being capable soon were diminished. Not that i'm some fabulous all-star worker, believe me i'm not close. But I should have known that the people I worked with obviously loved me before they even knew the slightest bit about me, and I thank every one of them for that.
Between staff week and actually working at camp as a lifeguard I spent a week as a camper, which was really cool because a lot of the focus was on serving and why we should have glad servant's hearts. I then spent a week on a missions trip to WV, where I learned a lot about patience and about the lives of people who are less fortunate than those that i'm accustomed to.
Spending your summer serving others with no pay, or with minimum probably isn't the ideal choice for the common teenager. And I don't want to say that i'm special just because of what i've done, i'm most certainly not at all. I am just extremely glad that I gathered up enough guts to actually go through with everything. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have the opportunities to go and travel and to have the chance to be around the amazing people that I spent five weeks with. They have all been an inspiration to me and I pray that I can keep in touch with them all. I guess if I had to describe my summer in one single word, whether you look at the simply amazing times, or the not-so-enjoyable ones that i've had these past few months, I'd have to go with unforgettable.
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| Sometimes I can be so sure of myself about certain aspects of what i'm doing, planning and such. But more often times I can totally screw up everything. For example, I over analyze practically everything and I am ridiculously indecisive. And I deal out too many second chances to people whom I know don't deserve them. At the same time I can be so quick to judge some people that I lose the chance of getting to know them well at first. I also can get my hopes up far too quickly, and don't prepare myself to be pushed down when I reach too high. So I guess you could say that in my short years I have experienced a lot in some circumstances. But then again, I have an entire lifetime full of things to learn. It's a little unnerving to realize that i'm already halfway done high school and soon i'll be out on my own trying to get a job, researching colleges, and eventually beginning an entirely new chapter of my life. Obviously i'm looking way ahead of myself. But just putting it out there is like a big "woah" in my mind. I'm pretty psyched to begin my junior year, it should be fun. I'm gonna try and get more involved with stuff at school, and hopefully keep my grades up. I'd also like to get my driving permit soon since i've been sixteen for a few months now. So yeah, things are moving forward and i'm pretty excited about it. I'll be leaving for one last week at delanco tomorrow. I am going to miss it so much. I absolutely loved my job there, and if God wants me there again next year I would gladly work there another summer. Well that's it for now =)
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